Subtitles by explosiveskull
ARTHUR'S LAW
Arthur! Breakfast!
- Arthur! - I'm coming.
Arthur!
I didn't put a ribbon on it. So you can open it.
- Shall we go out for breakfast? - You have an appointment.
Lunch, then? My treat.
We have more important things to do.
Like the bedroom ceiling.
And you were going to fix the leaky windows.
I'll catch my death of cold!
I'll take care of it.
How nice.
You missed the best part, as usual.
I see, you think your dull wife will buy the same present every year.
There's no point in finding something special for you.
Great!
And you wouldn't have noticed!
Eat, Arthur. You have to go soon.
And comb your hair. What will people think?
Well, you know me.
Listen, that's not all.
So then she wanted us to imagine sitting naked in a meadow,
with the flowers tickling our pussies,
while pulling out blades of grass one by one with our pussies.
Yeah. But listen, it gets even better.
Then she wanted us on all fours like dogs
and imagine having flashlights up our asses that we light up the room with.
Apparently it's good for the pelvic muscles.
The doctor said so too.
I have to hang up, honey. Someone just came in.
You know, the ones with the most time are always in a hurry.
I'll call you later.
You too. Catch you later!
Sorry, I didn't mean to barge in.
- Name? - Ahnepol, Arthur.
- Birth date? - Today.
Okay, October 17...?
60 years ago?
50 years ago!
Okay, this is all correct.
So, I heard you got fired again?
It was just... It was just because...
Warehouses aren't really my thing.
You stole expanding foam?
Okay, explain this to me.
Just how dumb are you?
You can buy expanding foam for a few euros.
But only one can. I wanted to fix my roof and the shed door.
Shed?
Is it standing on your property?
The maximum living area for welfare recipients is 45 square meters.
And your house alone has 43 square meters!
It's just a small lawn.
I don't have the time or the desire to explain this,
but it doesn't conform with the regulations.
I thought I was here because of a job?
But not truck driving. My arm, you know?
"Arm" is a bit much. You're only missing a hand.
I hate it when cripples use their disability
as an excuse for not working.
I mean... Do you see me complaining?
Right, Mr. Hahnepuhl...
You have two choices:
Either you start paying the rent for your estate yourself,
or you simply look for a smaller place to live.
- Estate? Estate? That... - You have two weeks.
- My wife will kill me. - Yes. I wish you luck.
Hi, it's me again.
Oh, the usual. Moaning, whining, and it's always our fault.
Yes. In any case,
we're on all fours and he... Don't ask.
Ignore her. You know what it's like. It's really sad.
I know exactly what you mean.
We just have to be patient, you know.
Just one more week, then it's goodbye to all these bums.
They're all freeloaders. They act broke and drink the cellar dry.
Listen, I have a few things to do. Speak later, yeah? Me too.
- Bye, sweetie. - Excuse me?
Another one?
Excuse me, I'd like...
Hello... I wanted to...
Steven!
What'll it be?
- I'd like a beer. - Big or small?
- Medium. - We don't do medium. Big or small?
- A big one, then. - Two.
Are you new?
- Pardon me? - I never saw you here before.
It's my first time.
I'm Jesse.
My name's Arthur.
- How come? - My mother.
She was a fan of "Arthur the Angel".
You know, the cartoon series?
"If things go wrong, call me. I'll be there to help you out."
"Arthur the Angel!"
I actually wanted to know why it's your first time.
I see.
I...
It's my birthday.
Really? Why didn't you say so?
Come here! Happy birthday!
I wish you lots of happiness, good health, and above all... love.
Thanks.
- So, what birthday is it? - My 50th.
What? You don't look it.
I feel about... 49 at the most.
You're funny.
You know why I find older men attractive?
Because of their hanging balls.
With guys my age, they hang all tight like hazelnuts.
And they disappear when they get hot.
With guys aged 40-45,
you get a nice handful of hanging balls. Always!
And I love the sound of them slapping against my ass during sex.
To you, Arthur!
Morning, Mrs. Ahnepol.
- I only have one today. - Then give it here.
Here you are at last!
Come here. Come here!
What's taking him so long?
Oh, Arthur!
INCOMING CALL SWEETIE PIE
1 MISSED CALL
Here's to you. And your birthday.
So do you... come here often?
Yes. I live upstairs.
Yeah, it's not all that great,
but when I hit the big time I'll get a nicer place.
I want to be a singer. A real one. Not like on those talent shows.
That's great! That's really great.
- Yeah? - Sure.
I can really imagine you doing that.
- You haven't heard me sing. - I don't need to.
I can see immediately that you have a special talent.
- Really? - Yes.
That's so sweet.
Okay. Since it's your birthday...
This song is for you, Arthur.
- Klein Biddenbach police. - Muriel, it's Martha here.
Martha! I was just thinking about you.
Me too. That's why I called. How are you doing?
Well, the job's not what I expected.
That's lovely. Say, do you know where Arthur is?
- Has something happened? - The roof needs fixing.
He was meant to fix it. It's leaking.
Oh, dear!
I have to do everything around here.
Does he expect me to climb onto the roof?
I can't reach the top of the window, but he's never there when I need him.
Didn't he say anything?
He went to the job center this morning.
That was five hours ago.
He never stayed away this long. And he won't pick up.
Maybe something happened.
- Should I check the police reports? - Yes.
A car crash near Klein Biddenbach. Male, early fifties.
In his Porsche.
- What's wrong? - A Porsche!
A Porsche? Sure, that must be my Arthur!
No, I can't see anything here.
Maybe he had an interview?
Yes, maybe.
Yes! Arthur! Yes!
Yes!
- Are you okay? - You were fantastic.
Did you enjoy it too? At least a bit?
Sure.
You can be honest. I haven't done it for a long time.
You were great, really.
Well... I had to get into it at the start, of course.
I mean, I haven't forgotten everything.
I know where things are and all that.
Which buttons to press, and...
Sorry, it was a stupid question.
No, it wasn't.
No one's asked me that for a long time.
You're special, Arthur.
I bet that hurt, huh?
Was it an accident?
Something like that. I screwed up.
It all began when we couldn't pay our bills.
This machine gives you the perfect foot massage.
Martha, dear? We have to save money. Otherwise we'll be broke.
- How can we save any more? - We can't afford it all, Martha.
The robot vacuum, the massage chair...
- You'd take my chair away? - Er, no, no... No.
But there's more.
Do we need all this insurance?
Of course we do! We have to make sure we're covered.
Risk and life insurance? For what, Martha?
Occupational accident insurance?
Let's say you had an accident at work and you were suddenly disabled.
This disability insurance would cover us then.
We'd get a nice payout.
- That's it! That's the answer! - What?
It won't be easy, but...
If you were to lose your right hand in an industrial accident
we could really cash in.
You want me to saw my hand off?
You make it sound so brutal!
Yes, because it is!
Just think about it for a moment.
All our problems would vanish into thin air.
It's too much to ask, Martha.
Arthur, you know what I went through.
Yet I stuck by you for all these years.
But I don't want to die penniless.
And I need a bit...
...of happiness in my life.
Please!
Do it for us!
- Does it have to be my right hand? - They pay more for the right one.
I almost bled to death.
Then my pal Ronny came and saved me.
Thank God! I thought you were going to die.
I didn't think it through.
Arthur? Arthur! Arthur!
Arthur. Arthur!
Can you hear me? Arthur!
Are you okay, Arthur? Come on...
Hang in there! I'll get you to the hospital.
- Hang in there! - There!
Ah, of course! Come on. Come on!
Safety first! Come on.
I let everyone down.
Especially my wife.
M... Martha!
You made it!
I'm so proud of you!
My hand...
...is gone.
I gave the insurance firm the papers and informed your employer.
Oh, talk of the devil!
Are you feeling better? Good. Would you please explain this?
My glasses!
This is our surveillance footage from yesterday evening.
You did it in front of the camera?
Next time you want to swindle the insurance at my expense,
saw off your head. That will do us all a favor.
I'm disappointed in you, Arthur. You had a future.
Our problems would've been over, Arthur.
That's crazy.
You sacrificed your hand for her. That's the most romantic thing ever.
Really? You think so?
I wish a man would do that for me.
Your mom was right. You really are an angel.
I have to go home.
- You can leave the money in the bowl. - What money?
The 100 euros for just now.
Okay... 60 euros, as it's your birthday.
I thought you were... a singer.
No, you didn't.
That's all I have. I'll bring the rest tomorrow.
- Arthur? - Yes?
It was really nice with you.
For me too.
- Sleep tight, Jesse. - Good night.
No, don't! Please don't!
- Oh, it's you. - Why are you sleeping here?
I'm sleeping here now.
Where were you? I tried to call you.
I was working. I couldn't answer.
What work?
The woman from the job center with the fat belly...
Yes?
She's married to the owner of "Kronleuchter", the bar opposite.
I worked there on a trial basis today.
Doing what?
As a waiter. Can we talk tomorrow? I'm really tired.
What was it like, waiting with one arm?
Hard work, as you can imagine. Good night, Martha.
What's the hourly pay?
- Less than my last job. - Didn't you ask for the minimum wage?
- At least you can keep the tips. - What are you working out?
They have to pay you the same as a two-armed person.
I haven't got the job yet.
Which of you two is Arthur Ahnepol? Where is my money?
It must be in here somewhere.
You went to a hooker?
- Please, Martha, not now! - There is no job, huh?
Of course. It'd be too good to be true.
It's a good job we have burglary insurance.
- You didn't want it. - We're over-insured!
Is this how you thank me for all I do?
By squandering our money on a whore!
No! Please don't! Shoot him.
Listen, I've had enough of your marital problems.
If I don't get the cash right now I'll blow you away.
What the hell is that?
Arthur! Help me! Help me!
Arthur!
"Shoot him"?
It just slipped out. I was terrified!
Ah, the birthday boy!
- Happy birthday, Arthur. - Thanks.
Muriel.
Did something happen?
Oh, Martha! Martha!
Martha.
I...
He's dead.
You just killed Mario Wystraszewski.
The pimp from "Kronleuchter".
It... It was self-defense.
- Self-defense! - Screwing the hooker too?
If he flips out because of 60 euros, I don't want to know
what his people will do when they find out you killed him.
What do you mean?
They are real bad guys. They're in the drug mafia.
- What? - Drug mafia? Here?
If only you knew.
But... you can protect me, right?
We can try.
He was about to shoot us. What else could I do?
You did the right thing, Arthur.
But they won't agree. They're ruthless.
As you can see.
They mustn't find out, Muriel.
They'll read the police report in the papers.
If I'd wanted the police, I'd have called them. But I called you.
- I am the police. - But you're my sister first!
Please, Martha, it's my duty to report it.
Muriel. If anything happens to Arthur, I'll be alone.
He's all I have. I'd die all alone.
Would you do that to me?
Your only sister! Is that what you want?
Of course not.
Well, then.
Where did you get this?
Maybe I exaggerated about them being so dangerous.
You don't screw with guys like that. I saw a TV report about it yesterday.
Some guy messed with the wrong people and they killed his family.
I saw that too. It was a cop show!
So? They don't make that stuff up.
Okay, a bit further. Stop!
- What now? - We have to go up there.
This is so against the law!
We're almost... there.
Come on, you damned sissies!
- What are you doing, Martha? - I'm staging the accident.
We have to hit the palettes.
Why don't we just bury him someplace?
Then there'll be a police search. And the trail will lead to us.
It has to look like an accident. Then no one will ask any questions.
I'm not so sure...
He's dead, Arthur. Stop being a wimp. Help him, Muriel.
- Give me five minutes. Please. - My God!
You'll never be able to make up for this, Arthur.
- Ready? - Yes. Okay.
One, two...
Martha!
Arthur!
Take my hand!
On "three", dammit!
You should let go on "three"! Not one, not two, but three!
I'm really sorry, Martha.
You almost got me killed twice today!
I told you this was a big mistake.
It's not even working.
Damn!
Perfect!
- What are you doing, Arthur? - Nothing, I...
I'm... I'm coming.
Open the door, Martha!
I'm staying with Muriel tonight. See you tomorrow.
Okay.
Get rid of it. Where no one will find it.
But... You're not going to leave me here?
- Won't you take me too? - We can give him a ride.
Martha?
- He hesitated to pull me up. - No way, he'd never do that!
- It's raining. - Come on, drive.
Subtitles by explosiveskull